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| I am 24 years old, and have been virtually jobless for the past four months.... All the while my little brothers friends make more in a year than my parents do, and work for companies like Boeing. I meet people my age and younger who are married, and/or have kids, and/or a job in full time ministry. I feel pathetic. The Lord is trying to teach me trust. REAL trust. Like me ACTUALLY giving up my concerns and letting Him..... He's trying.... I always, apparently, have to learn the hard way. But there are some, who have confidence I will make it....that maybe I'll turn out alright in the end. There are others who probably really wonder about me. I haven't chosen what side of the line I'm on with that just yet. My room mate and I each recieved the same exact letter in the mail on Sept. 11th. Each letter boldly stated that the two of us were being SUED by our EX-landlord. He owns the town pawn shop. Sued for just under three grand. We prayed, and I immediatly applied for judicare...and since I have no job, I discovered that yes, I was elgible. My room mate is not. A few days later I recieved another letter in the mail. This one from the Judge Mathis television show. Comical. Now that we are for sure going to court, I finally got a job! Now I have to trust the Lord about my judicare.... This is just a brief synopsis...BRIEF synopsis of my life for the past two weeks. BRIEF. Call me if you'd like to hear more. My number hasn't changed. | | |
| "Insult To Injury"
So now your offering these hand me down beliefs
You offer neither solace nor relief
In a world of hate
Your words hold no weight
So now your promising your Disney religion
Living in your world without sin
But I just don't relate
Your words hold no weight
So just hold your tongue for a second
And spare me your two bit advice
Did God make me blind and give you my eyes?
So just hold your tongue until you can hold my burdens
Your ideas betray your fantasy
Your anecdotes mock reality
Your words hold no weight
So before you go and throw your pearls before swine
Be warned you won't impress the likes of mine
Cause I've heard your debate
Your words hold no weight
So why do they ring in my ear
And challenge my confidence?
They heckle my pride
My medicine never had this taste
My words in your mouth now sound misplaced
Your words hold no weight
So share my pain and bare my wounds with me
Or don't pretend to call it sympathy
But you're so quick mock my misery
So quick to add insult to injury
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| Wow...so I just reread my last entry. It sounds like a great big finger pointed in everybody's face. I didn't really mean it like that. Well, I guess I did, but I think although I'm angry, I'm mostly just sad and confused. I don't understand what happened and this is just me hashin' it out on not so tangible paper.
I keep tryin' to make sense of everything...see the bigger picture, what I'm supposed to learn or something...
but none of it makes sense. I'm tryin to understand how I left the HA feeling like I had more friends than I knew what to do with and winding up realizing I have none. How I went from overwhelmed with keeping in touch with this beautiful "family" to more alone than I have ever felt in my whole life. I'm tryin to understand where you all went...why you don't care anymore...if you ever did. I'm tryin to understand where I went wrong, and if maybe I thought things were different then they really were. Tryin to understand what to do now, how to trust people...
people with less of a reason to care, less of a reason....
I sort of see where I was going when I first started that last entry, before I let myself ramble...
Hide Nothing.
I feel like I don't. I feel like I never really have. I feel like I thought everyone else was like that too. I feel like I was wrong. I feel like no one is really like that. I feel sorely mistaken. I feel like I'm paying the price for trusting to much...for trusting people are real, and up front. I feel like I'm real with people. I feel like that would make them want to be real with me. I feel like they are...and then I find out the truth.
Do you remember me? Do you remember who I was? How I was on campus...here and there and everywhere and like so super social and all...
I am the exact opposite of that now.
I don't know how to be like that anymore.
I don't know who I am anymore.
I keep waiting for God to redefine me, but I feel so far gone. I feel like there's nothing left.
Maybe thats good. But it's hard, and scary, and lonely.
Sometimes I think about going back...to campus...for like the reunion or something. Part of me feels like I just need something like that to like see if I'm still who I used to be or something. It seems like it would be so good and refreshing to see everyone again. Like coming home.
maybe it would be good closure.
And then part of me is afraid.
Afraid of what I'll do, what I'll say...to you.
I feel like I would leave everyone with there mouths gaping...
wondering how I could do that, say that....
no, probably wondering what kind of "Christian' would do or say that.
Yeah, I don't think it's such a great idea for me to go back.
I'd lose friends I don't even have.
I bet you think I've sunk...I've fallen...I bet you don't look at me like your friend anymore. You probably wonder "What happened" and then sign off...I bet you think "thats too bad"...yeah. and i have such a victim mentality.
i don't want you to think that. i wish you could see what makes me smile...things that make me take notice...the passion that courses my veins...maybe that would balance things out...maybe I wouldn't look so hopeless then huh? psshhh.
sigh.
this "love" you speak of. what is it? i'd lick it from your lips and then die from the poison.
oh man here we go again.
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| There's this cd by Further Seems Forever called "Hide Nothing". Man, I try. I'm really bad at playing games. Like, really. Either I don't have the discipline or the longevity to see it through, or I take it too far, and so playing games just doesn't work for me. I don't front. I can't front. It's hard enough figuring out my own identity, living my own identity, let alone some one elses...or something I made up cause I want to be like that or should. PAUSE. I'd rather just get there on my own. Learn it, and then it becomes me. This is probably why I don't have any friends right now. Because I can't front. I am pissed off. I am hurt, angry and bitter. Please don't leave me any comments about how I shouldn't feel like this, because I know. I have the Holy Spirit, who is active in my life, and I have felt convicted about this. I just don't know what to do.... "Work it out" Man, shut up. When was the last time you walked in anyone elses shoes? NO, I mean walked, not tried on for an hour while you were patiently listening to someone you were trying to reach out to... I am so sick of you...all of you. Not so much for who you are, but for who you're not. You're not who you say to be. I hate that. I hate that I left this community of "Christians"...the elite...the excellent. INSERT BIG LAUGH HERE. You're so wrapped up in becoming like Jesus you forgot to know Him and what it really means to be Him. There are two different plateaus of Christianity... I'm going to leave that there for now...I had a different thought. Remember that intern who committed suicide in 2004? I guess I'd be surprised if you did, but, it happened. How? How come? Why? There are too many people who want to offer solutions to everyones problems, and no one, that I've come across that is willing to share or bare the burden. This is how I feel. Think what you want. I can't play the game. Hide Nothing. | | |
| I only got four hours of sleep last night, and an hour nap earlier which doesn't totally count because I was awakened three or so times during this nap, and so...well it's a moot point anyways but...
...so I can't sleep. You'd think I'd pass right out....but I'm too furious to sleep. Doesn't really matter how I'm feeling though, cause I never fall right asleep. I always have all these thoughts in my head, and so I just think and think and turn over and think and then get up to pee all the while thinking, flush, start thinking about something else, throw on a sweatshirt, climb back in bed, get comfortable, think think think turn think...and eventually I wake up.
I think about all sorts of things too. Sometimes I go over and over the details of that day, sometimes I plan the next, sometimes I see designs for all kinds of different projects and things...sometimes I write letters or xanga entries in my head...this is such.
I used to like xanga because it was an online journal...a place I could be myself, jot my thoughts, and people could see who I really was and what I was really thinking. I also thought it was a great way of keeping in touch. My thoughts about xanga have changed a bit. Neither of these really matter because no one reads my site anymore... Not that I care so entirely much, but you can see why I don't post. Both of my reasons to do so have been rendered utterly pointless...
At the same time, I still like xanga for these exact reasons. One: I can be myself...(perhaps this is why no one reads anymore) although it is hard to be yourself with this 'comments' concept...I don't think I need to say more....Two: I can keep in touch. This idea was relevant when I thought I had friends. I now know that I have only one and a half, so really a phone call or two will do just fine. However, it does allow me to keep semi-up-to-date with the people that have me as a friend.
All this is running through my mind as I try to sleep and really it is just a distraction my mind plays on itself to help me to sleep because in the back of my mind, the thought really keeping me awake is how outraged I am at this country and really the present state of the globe.
This seems like a losing battle. What am I doing to help? How can we even make a dent. These things seem to stem from the thought, well, the want...yo quero EVERYONE to enter into the throne room of heaven. For everyone to know the glory, surpassing greatness and ferocious love of our Lord...this seems impossible...this possibility limited by the curse of sin on all of mankind and our overwhelming pride and self love....
Losing battle...it's too soon to admit defeat. And in the end I know that we will lose many battles but win the war...except the war we win is not the war in my head...the aforementioned concept of all entering into a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. This is where my heart is saddened and my head hangs heavy and my soul screams out in frustration and fury...
this and another thing. I have this tiny not really tiny, more like adequate annoyance turned frustration which in the end usually leads me to a short temper and lack of any kind words...i think I might actually be honest here and admit that its really more of a hostile attitude...toward people demonstrating stupidity and a lack of any thought or reason, logic, any and all of the above.... (EXAMPLE: I work at a teppanyaki restaurant...you know where Japanese guys cook in front of you on the grill with lots of flames and butter....yeah, well, the tables are made of marble and large metal sheets and have gas running through them...each table sits 8 comfortably but 11 very tightly. When we have parties larger than 11 they must be seated at two or more separate tables. One evening we had a party of 12....two tables...this particular group seemed to lack all common sense and any kind of common courtesy as well, and had already been getting at my nerves. After being unsatisfied at any kind of split between their party, even though they had been previously notified, had moved 3+ times making my job very difficult, but THEN asked if we could "push the tables together". I'm sorry...I'm working on it, but this stupidity really gets me steamed...) when such an obvious answer can be reached by putting in any thought......
so anyways, i'm frustrated and all with society as a whole because largely they just seem very stupid, lazy and lack sense. this whole "Battlecry" thing is really what got me started on all this, but i'm just so irritated that people don't think. Think think think...reason. gifts to mankind. the reason we have clothing and homes and don't have instinct as much as brains...what is the problem here?!!!! it makes me very angry. i'm all worked up, and i really need my sleep.
anger, I know, is something that is bad. i know that this not only separates me from God, but from people, and influence (well, influence by something other than that cold fear i seem to place in peoples hearts)...I am learning about love. I don't know much yet. And I'm German. I really think that plays a role. I'm a meticulous perfectionist. I have little tolerance for well, anything.
Nevermind. I think I'm perhaps pushing it a bit too far on such little sleep. And the thoughts are still running. I'd share more but I'm starting to shut down. Everything essential for typing that is....everything but my mind.
Note: Counting sheep never works because then I start thinking about that Serta commercial, or remind me of when I used to have contests with myself when i was little to see how long i could keep my eyes closed before peering and the glowing red numbers on my alarm clock, or about Sesame Street and counting in general, and then how Sesame Street is no good anymore, and I think the original writers at least for Burt and Ernie must have smoked pot, which will make me think about.....
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